Book Signing Location Moved Again

Michael Todd, author of the book My Cat Is An Asshole, announced today that his "scheduled" book signing has once again been moved to a new location.

"I don't know. Somebody said that if I set up another table in the parking lot at Barnes and Noble I could get arrested again," said Todd, as he threw grocery bags full of spiral bound books into the hatch compartment of his '76 AMC Gremlin.

"It's funny. I write the single most important piece of literature since Mariel Hemingway's over-rated "Old Man and The C-Note," and suddenly I'm Persona Non Gotti."

Todd was referring to an incident earlier this year when he backed his Gremlin against the doors of the local Barnes and Noble and tried to force incoming customers to purchase his previous book, Most People Should Be Locked Up.

"It was a good publicity stunt," Todd argues. "I mean think about it, my book was about how most people really ought to be locked up, so I back my car up against the doors to, you know, lock 'em all up on the inside. Then the police come and guess who actually gets locked up? I mean what kind of irony is that?"

Of course, nobody will answer that, or any other of his many questions.

When asked about the new location for the My Cat Is An Asshole book signing, Michael Todd throws his cigarette to the ground, rubs it out with his shoe, and says, "What difference does it make? After April 18th nobody's got no books to sell anyway."

Democratic Party Unveils Unified Convention Slogan

YES, WE CAN'T.
Democrats 2008

News Flash For Chelsea Clinton

Back when Chelsea was a kid it was easy to defend her against bunghole Repubs like Limbaugh and narcissistic megalomaniacs like Bill Clinton, but now she is an adult who chose to wade into the polluted waters of American politics.

Last week, when that college kid asked if she felt her mother was all the stronger for weathering President Clinton's predatory behavior in the Oval Office (for those of you who are too young too remember, that was the scandal where Bill was having sex in the Oval Office with that young intern, Monica Lewinsky), Chelsea responded with the "None of your business" spin.

Well, guess what Chelsea, it was his business. It's everyone's business when a President of the United States uses the Oval Office like a cheap motel. The Oval Office is public real estate.

If you don't want to be confronted with real questions about real issues, then sit down and shut up. You are an adult now and you are fair game when you choose to use your last name as a platform to influence an election cycle.

Get used to it or go home.

You have entered the arena of Politics of Personal Destruction that your two power-hungry parents invented.

All you managed to do with your 'answer' is show the American public that your family is choosing, once again, to nurse the infected sore that is 'The Clintons' in full public view.

Had your mother possessed a modicum of self-respect or even a feigned concern for you, she would have left the philandering predator years ago.

Lost Gilligan Island Episode: The Professor Gives Mrs. Howell A Boob Job

It's happened again.

Just discovered in a nearly forgotten film vault somewhere in Hollywood is the never before seen Gilligan's Island episode where the Professor convinces Mrs. Howell to let him give her a boob job.

The lost episode, which is scheduled to appear on HBO on April 2nd, begins with the Professor's contrived story about the need to give each of the castaways a routine, thorough physical. He tells them about an island fever he once read about that, if it goes untreated, can cause delirium-related orgies among perfect strangers. While the Skipper isn't exactly troubled with the possibility of having both Marianne and Thurston at the same time, Mrs. Howell masks her fears by pretending she doesn't know what an orgy means.

The Professor then jumps on the bamboo bike and pedals up enough electricity to project a couple of his porn films against the bed sheets that are hanging on the clothes line. Gilligan, who, unlike Mrs. Howell, has never participated in an orgy, begins to say dopey things and make dopey faces which then gets Ginger all hot.

Anyway, everyone agrees to the physicals and they form a line outside of the Professor's hut which he has somehow managed to decorate like a doctor's office. At one point the Skipper tries to cut in line in front of Mrs. Howell and the Professor knocks him out.

When Mrs. Howell makes it into the hut, the Professor is already naked and is playing a Barry White album on a portable turntable that is being powered by a monkey turning a crank. He hands Mrs. Howell a martini and then cuts her dress off with a box cutter that he stole from a tackle box on board the Minnow.

During the examination Mrs. Howell confesses her embarrassment to which the Professor replies, "It's all perfectly natural Mrs. Howell. I'm a professional and you're a patient and I'm am going to wait until the exam is over before I oil up."

I don't want to ruin the show for you, but somewhere in the episode the Professor implants two medium-sized coconuts and Mrs. Howell becomes way over confident and a bunch of cat fighting breaks out.

Elaborately Carved Wooden Object

I have no idea what this is for. I cannot interpret the intricate hand carved symbols because I lost my secret decoder ring.

My plumber suggested that the symbols are the formula for what holds the universe together and I believe him because he always wins when we play the home version of Wheel of Fortune.

It is wooden and large and on the back it says it is from Krakow, Poland. I think that's in Europe. $19

Outdoor Uses For Your Refrigerator

I went political. I mean like in the postal sense, which is not good because anything that makes you crazy might possibly alter you permanently, like my aunt.

In an effort to change the subject, I took the refrigerator out of the kitchen while my wife was at work and laid it down in the driveway. I stood back and looked at it a while, trying to think of at least a dozen different things that it could be other than a refrigerator. I came up with a pretty impressive list that I am going to share with my two readers and then I will email it to each of the Presidential candidates.

As you can see from the picture, a refrigerator makes a really nice work bench. Just lay it on it's side and put a piece of plywood on it and you're done. Problem with that is nobody gets to see it but you and your cat, if you let your cat come in your workshop.

Another idea, and this one's really good because you can color coordinate, is to use your refrigerator as an outdoor planter. Without too much thought you can find certain colored plants that will bloom the same color as the refrigerator.

I also like using a refrigerator outdoors to attract wildlife. Just set your refrigerator up on a six foot pole (laying down with the door area up but with the doors removed). Then fill the inside (freezer area too) with black sunflower seeds (about six 50lb bags should do), and watch what happens. Drink a couple of beers while you're waiting for the birds to arrive.

One night, after finishing off a couple of bottles of Red Label, I dragged my refrigerator over to my neighbor's house and laid it down in his front yard. Then, using his water hose, I filled it (the freezer area too) with water and added fish from another neighbor's pond. Pretty impressive.

One time when I had way too many empty beer cans to fit into my recycling receptacle, I filled my refrigerator with them, hooked it to the back of my Prius, and dragged the cans to the recycling center.

Another idea (and I may patent this one) is to pull up your old mailbox and replace it with your refrigerator. Note: You MUST remember to paint your house numbers on the side or the mailman may not deliver your mail. After adding your house numbers, grab a beer and wait for the mail man. When he arrives tell him that the top (freezer area) is for regular envelopes and the larger area is for packages. This can work just as well if you have a side-by-side, but it may take your mailman a couple of days to get the hang of it.

Finally, refrigerators are good traps. Say your neighbors have impolite children that scream and carry on while they play outside. Just put your refrigerator on the lawn (remember to leave the doors on) and it will usually trap the little bastards within just a few hours. You can then take it out into the woods and release them.

Tomorrow we'll look at using a washing machine to mix cement for your paving project.

Democrats Escalate Suicide Bomber Attacks...

...Against Democratic Party

In what appears to be a concerted effort to vaporize the Democratic Party before November’s Presidential election, Democrats are strapping explosives to themselves and barreling into the ongoing fist fight known as the Democratic Primary.

The latest self-sacrifice in the Democrat’s genocidal campaign to destroy any chance of cohesion against Senator John McCain, Geraldine Ferraro wheeled herself onto the battlefield, yanked out her feeding tube, and puked explosive racial bile into Democratic party foxholes. To make certain the fuse was lit and to guarantee maximum damage, Ferraro refused to apologize, clearly demonstrating that she is incapable of distinguishing why her statements were racial and demeaning. Senator Clinton refused to “denounce” or “reject” the elderly martyr, but magnanimously accepted her resignation from the Hillary ’08 campaign.

It is expected that some party loyalist will roll Ferraro off the stage and into the sunset of her thoughts. Or maybe it’s the sunrise of her thoughts. Hard for Ferraro to tell the difference.

These intra-Democratic-party suicide attacks have been going on for sometime now. The largest, and by far the most destructive of these internal eruptions occurred back in 2006, when Hillary Clinton wandered onto the Democrat’s freshly groomed track for the 2008 Presidential race and shrieked out her announcement that she, by God, was running, “in it to win it,” and everybody better stay the F out of the way. Most experts believe that the Democratic party first began to reel from that venomous strike and that many high profile party members are now deliriously mad from the poison injected at that moment.

Since that announcement, Hillary Clinton has successfully managed to maintain 100% alienation penetration among Republicans while reaching out and alienating an additional 52% of the Democratic party. If her party could stop cannibalizing itself for ten minutes, she might get the recognition she deserves as Alienator-In-Chief.

Seems No One in the Party is Immune

While other top party members have been happy to sacrifice themselves to the unified call of complete and thorough annihilation (Howard Dean, Jennifer Granholm, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, Gloria Steinem, Ed Rendell, et al.), the destructive fever has been so fast, furious, and viral in its spread throughout the party, that even the thoughtful, even-tempered grass roots bloggers have fired up the flamethrowers and are running headlong into battle against fellow Democrats. The internet is lit up with intentional barrages of friendly fire aimed at destroying dissenting opinions within the party itself, and it appears there is no end in sight.

About the best the Democrats can hope for is that the Republicans, just like our fearless Marines, will swoop in with general election issues sometimes later this summer and rescue the Democratic party from itself.

If it's not too late already.

Eliot Spitzer: What A Dick

Just take him in for a while. Maybe I'll add my thoughts later.

Clintons Plumb New Depths of Shame, Disgrace

Clinton Couple Desperate to Swing (For Any Votes)

What do you do after preaching for weeks that your opponent in the Presidential race is unfit to be President? Why, you offer him a spot on your ticket as Vice-President!

After engaging in a series of blistering, cross-country tag-team attacks on the competence of Senator Barack Obama, the Democratic party’s front runner for the Presidential nomination, Bill and Hillary Clinton are now floating yet another schizophrenic trial balloon. This week, it’s, Hey, how ‘bout we split the ticket. Obama can have a seat at the back of the bus and we’ll take the wheel!

Well, all right Mr. Impeached President and Ms. Wannabe. Let’s see if we can sift through your new shell game.

Senator Obama has no experience. Senator Obama can’t be trusted. Senator Obama hasn’t been ‘vetted.’ Senator Obama’s entire platform is a 2002 speech. Senator Obama is incapable of making hard decisions in the middle of the night. Sounds like a great VP choice to me!

Let’s get real Mrs. Clinton. You need Barack Obama, he doesn’t need you. You two Arkansas Carnival Barkers got yourselves stuck in your poorly built House of Mirrors and can’t find your way out without the help of Senator Obama, because he brings new voters to the process. Now there’s an area where you have surely been vetted. You have clearly demonstrated a highly refined level of incompetence in this arena. Any questions on that one?

Do you two really expect the voters to play dumb for you? Do you think we haven’t watched you attack Senator Obama like two rabid dogs? And now, because you need him, voila!, what a great VP he would be!

You have both reached new depths of shame and disgrace. It’s easy to imagine the argument that you will make to Senator Obama: “I’ll tell ya, Barack, we got some pretty high-powered super delegates on our side. We’re gonna git that nomination one way or another, so you might as well join up as VP. Hey, coming in 2nd ain’t all that bad.“

News flash to the Clintons: Obama is too smart for both of you. The voters are too smart for both of you. While your stagnant base of followers close their eyes and shut their ears, the rest of us are paying close attention.

And by the way, this is one Republican who will trade out his vacation days to get out the vote for Senator Obama on April 22nd in the state of Pennsylvania. There is just no way she’s going to waltz through this state shrieking and lying and whooping and hollering and insulting decent people and then walk away with a win. Won’t happen.

Incestuous Feast of Deranged Cannibals

The Fairy Tale

This was to be the year of the Democratic Feast of Thanks, of sweet kisses, and bleary-teary cheers as the Queen of the United States of America floated with the rose petal fairies over blankets of mist from the castle in New York to the waiting throne at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

This was the year that those out-of-touch, selfish, intolerant, abusive, exclusive, and evil Repulicans would be banished from the scene and scores of angelic harpists would descend from the Heavens and pour out woven melodies of silk and gold to wrap our new Queen as she began eight years of harmonic reign over worshipping followers both here and abroad.

Rivers of Blood

Now we witness the warships launch on new rivers of blood and soldiers of the Armageddon swing hatchets and swords. At any and all costs, regardless of the will of the people, the throne will be hers. Rose petals wilt and melt into the black glaze of the road now paved with bodies of party detractors. Who are these voters that dare to deny Her Majesty her golden tiara and pearl throne? Arrows loose! Full out assault! Bring me no prisoners!

Deranged Clan of Cannibals

Watching the party of tolerance and inclusion eating their young, we now see through the thin veneer of party lies. The Mighty Thanksgiving of 2008 is revealed to be a feast of cannibals. And the Queen has made it clear: She will reign or every guest of the feast will fall in her fury. And when the party is over, half the battlefield will smoke and stink and ooze, while the enemy waits quietly across the field, no swords drawn, no soldiers wounded.

An Inconvenient Truth

And so goes the party of the Democrats. Angry, acerbic, lashing out at one another. Name calling and hate-filled attacks is the filthy flatware of the cannibal's feast. Rage and accusation is the music of the souless chamber orchestra. As the party leaders gorge and choke on their smorgasbord of eager voters, the party consumes itself from within.

And this is just March.