Objective: To obtain a really good position at a really good company; one that has nice leather chairs and really good wooden desks.
Mobile Adult DVD Rentals - CEO 12/07- 01/08
Duties included driving a converted milk truck through high roller neighborhoods and renting adult films. Implemented innovative marketing system to reach homeowners by hooking two air raid speakers to the roof of my truck and playing the movie dialogue tracks at 110 decibels. Increased revenue upwards of 4% by adding popcorn and liquorices. Sold it to a veteran who painted it camouflage and only rents Vietnam War movies.
Sure Bet Inc. - CEO 09/07 - 11/07
Regularly borrowed money from friends and family members then took the train to Atlantic City to play roulette. Duties included dressing in a white dinner jacket and talking like Humphrey Bogart. Developed an innovative variation on the ‘let it ride’ system that would fast-track the action and leave me staring blankly at the table usually within minutes of arriving. Finally dissolved the business after my cousin Larry told me that in most cases gaming pays the casino more than player.
Inventor - CEO 04/06 - 07/07
Invented quite a few products, most notably the Trouser Stretcher and a device that makes you invisible while driving through New Jersey. Government agents posing as venture partner guys took the New Jersey thing from me but they did stop to stretch their trousers on the way out. Tried to patent my products but discovered that the U.S. Patent Office and my personal patent attorney actually wanted to be paid for the patent work, so I ended up trading the products for two cases of glow-in-the-dark rock concert necklaces.
August 2004 - March -2006
I really don’t remember.
Caribbean Beach Front “CHEAP!” - CEO 02/03 - 07/04
Amassed a small fortune by advertising Caribbean beach front homes for sale in the $50,000 range. I didn’t own the homes per se, and I think many of my buyers became a little irritated when the actual owners showed up for vacation. After parole, I invested my fortune in a Flying Car venture that two I guys I met at the Delaware Downs said they were working on in their basement.
Hat Blocker - CEO 01/01 - 10/02
After seeing quite a few of those old movies where all the guys were wearing hats, I was inspired to start a hat blocking operation. Finding a broccoli steamer at a garage sale, I converted it to the more practical use of blocking hats and went door-to-door prospecting for business, pulling the steamer (and a 40 gallon barrel of water) in a wagon behind me. After several months without a sale I consulted a fortune teller for a prediction on the future of the hat blocking market, but instead she hit me with a ruler and called me a “schmoitz.” I then retro fitted my steam system and changed my business model to removing pet stains from sofas.
December 2000 and Back To 1987
Call me because it’ll be a whole lot easier.
Education
Reading mostly. I like anything about UFO’s and I just finished “101 Uses For A Lasso.”
I can do some math without a calculator and have the uncanny ability to predict when somebody is about to behave like Lucille Ball. Also, pretty good on the Internets.
Hobbies
Calling strangers and pretending to be Louis Armstrong
Hunting Bigfoot
Rubbing up against people on the bus
Mobile Adult DVD Rentals - CEO 12/07- 01/08
Duties included driving a converted milk truck through high roller neighborhoods and renting adult films. Implemented innovative marketing system to reach homeowners by hooking two air raid speakers to the roof of my truck and playing the movie dialogue tracks at 110 decibels. Increased revenue upwards of 4% by adding popcorn and liquorices. Sold it to a veteran who painted it camouflage and only rents Vietnam War movies.
Sure Bet Inc. - CEO 09/07 - 11/07
Regularly borrowed money from friends and family members then took the train to Atlantic City to play roulette. Duties included dressing in a white dinner jacket and talking like Humphrey Bogart. Developed an innovative variation on the ‘let it ride’ system that would fast-track the action and leave me staring blankly at the table usually within minutes of arriving. Finally dissolved the business after my cousin Larry told me that in most cases gaming pays the casino more than player.
Inventor - CEO 04/06 - 07/07
Invented quite a few products, most notably the Trouser Stretcher and a device that makes you invisible while driving through New Jersey. Government agents posing as venture partner guys took the New Jersey thing from me but they did stop to stretch their trousers on the way out. Tried to patent my products but discovered that the U.S. Patent Office and my personal patent attorney actually wanted to be paid for the patent work, so I ended up trading the products for two cases of glow-in-the-dark rock concert necklaces.
August 2004 - March -2006
I really don’t remember.
Caribbean Beach Front “CHEAP!” - CEO 02/03 - 07/04
Amassed a small fortune by advertising Caribbean beach front homes for sale in the $50,000 range. I didn’t own the homes per se, and I think many of my buyers became a little irritated when the actual owners showed up for vacation. After parole, I invested my fortune in a Flying Car venture that two I guys I met at the Delaware Downs said they were working on in their basement.
Hat Blocker - CEO 01/01 - 10/02
After seeing quite a few of those old movies where all the guys were wearing hats, I was inspired to start a hat blocking operation. Finding a broccoli steamer at a garage sale, I converted it to the more practical use of blocking hats and went door-to-door prospecting for business, pulling the steamer (and a 40 gallon barrel of water) in a wagon behind me. After several months without a sale I consulted a fortune teller for a prediction on the future of the hat blocking market, but instead she hit me with a ruler and called me a “schmoitz.” I then retro fitted my steam system and changed my business model to removing pet stains from sofas.
December 2000 and Back To 1987
Call me because it’ll be a whole lot easier.
Education
Reading mostly. I like anything about UFO’s and I just finished “101 Uses For A Lasso.”
I can do some math without a calculator and have the uncanny ability to predict when somebody is about to behave like Lucille Ball. Also, pretty good on the Internets.
Hobbies
Calling strangers and pretending to be Louis Armstrong
Hunting Bigfoot
Rubbing up against people on the bus
