A Letter of Sympathy to 67% of NY Voters

You meant well.

I mean those 67% of New York voters who formally filed the adoption papers in November of 2006. Despite the warnings from the others, you were good foster families for the first six years and when the time came, you proudly became the lawful parents. Who can fault you for meaning well?

Now, oh my goodness.

The child gets a little older, a little louder, a whole lot more demanding. Screaming and shrieking and breaking breakables.

Over coffee, you glance at one another with worried looks. And this is just, what, 2008? Another five years before you're free of it?

It really was going so well. A prodigy. The unquestioned ascendant to the throne. Proud parents indeed. Until this February, when the tea party took the ugly turn and invitees were discounted. Scorned. Humiliated. When the tea party partiers suddenly didn't mean anything to the party itself.

On the one hand I sort of feel sorry for you. For over-believing. For placing your faith and having it betrayed. For wanting and being denied. For having to digest the lie the morning after.

On the other hand, maybe you had it coming. You ignored all the signs. You bought your own little lies. You waved it off as over-analytical. But that's not so genuine for a letter like this.

So, upon reflection, I offer up my sympathies to all of you who cared, who decided it was worth the long haul investment. To those of you who chose to believe that words were good enough, and that deeds would surely follow.

Hang in kids. You've only got five more years.

Sen. McCain Elected President A Little Early

Although he'll have to wait until January 2009 to move his things into the White House, Senator McCain has become the next President of the United States.

The race can be called today, February 17, 2008.

Just a few short months ago it would have been laughable to say that the Republicans can feel certain about keeping the White House. With the war going 'badly,' as many have put it, with President Bush's poll numbers at historical lows, with a cranky economy about to be pushed into full fledged foulness by the mortgage meltdown, and with many saying that the Republican party was lost and in need of a rebirth, a Democratic victory in 2008 was thought to be a sure thing.

But over the past few weeks (mostly the last few days) we have witnessed something of a freak show in the Democratic party that has pretty much placed Senator McCain in the Oval Office several months ahead of schedule.

And here's why.

Senator Barack Obama came out of nowhere, with near nothing, preaching hope and change, and rocketed up the approval charts among whites, blacks, and young voters. Meanwhile the stumbling, scrambling, tripping, fall of Senator (Inevitable) Clinton has her staff and supporters staring blankly with their mouths wide open.

So in the last few days his momentum continues to build and her demise is looking so real that she is vowing to win the nomination even if it has to be through corraling Super Delegates. If she does that, she will have lost the White House to Senator McCain. As I said in an earlier post, the black voters and young voters will turn their backs on her. Today I'm adding many white Democratic voters to that group.

Her promise to use Super Delegates to win has many in her party spitting mad. They would vote McCain, or just stay home. If she wins the nomination properly, she loses the general election because Senator McCain will simply be viewed, by many in both parties, as the better choice.

Now, if the charismatic young Senator from Illinois wins the nomination, McCain wins in November. You see, at some point between now and November, the comparisons between McCain and Obama are going to become too apparent. While the young Senator is inspirational and has charged up this election year like no one has ever seen, he cannot overcome what the older voters, in his party and the other one, will ultimately see as too little real world experience. And they will look at Senator McCain and see an honest and fair-minded centrist with decades of experience.

The choice for the voters will be too clear.

The Super Delegate Dilemma: Super Irony

Oh, the Super Delegates.

There are some questions that should never be asked, but I’m going to ask this one anyway: Can this race get any wilder? And we all know the answer.

You could blame Jimmy Carter, but it would be misplaced blame. It was actually a reaction to him, by certain members of his party, that brought us to today.

Because Jimmy Carter was a populist choice, and not a choice of the powerful traditionalist within the party, Super Delegates were cooked up. The idea being that, in the future, no one without the blessings of certain party members, would receive the nomination. Super Delegates were designed to ensure, by giving them greater powers than the people or the garden variety delegates, a Democratic candidate for President would not beat the system simply by winning the popular vote.

As of today, word within the Clinton campaign is an aggressive effort to capture Super Delegates, regardless of who the voters actually vote for. Sound a little dirty, a little heavy-handed, a little elitist and megalomaniacal? (oops, maybe that’s another one of the questions we shouldn't ask)

Regardless of your answer, consider the irony of the following scenario:

Senator Obama continues to gain momentum through endorsements. Senator Obama continues winning the popular vote, including the newly active and growing vote of younger people, and the appropriately pleased black vote. Senator Clinton aggressively engages her plan to collect Super Delegates. Both Senator Clinton and Senator Obama arrive at the convention in August, neither one with enough delegates to receive the nomination, but him with more of the popular vote. Senator Clinton manages to wrangle enough Super Delegates to win the nomination.

In the all out effort to win the nomination and march to a certain victory in November, Senator Clinton guarantees her own defeat. Why? Because a huge segment of voters that gave Senator Obama the majority of the popular vote will find something else to be doing on election day. And that includes more than just the black voters and the young voters.

Oh, the Super Irony.

Royal Throne of Geb - Third Divine King

As birthday presents go, the Royal Throne of Geb (Third Divine King of Earth), is not so bad, especially when you consider that I got two live cobras and a goat bone sepulcher as accent pieces. But what I had asked for was actually the Throne of Sobek, the Egyptian Crocodile god feared for his ferocity and admired for both his cunning and his sideburns.

When I asked my wife if she thought the Pantheon of gods would exchange it for Sobek's throne, she said they told her yes, just take chair and the receipt to the Royal Customer Service Department located on the other side of the River Of The Dead.

Still, this is a fine throne and would be a nice addition to your Egyptian antiquities collection. It is hand carved and decorated with golden paint from the personal art supply cabinet of Ramses II. The black fabric is woven in a subtle relief depicting the "Egyptian Day of Chaos", the ancient equivalent of our "Snow Day At The Grocery Store.”

While the age of the chair is unknown, the papyrus label is printed in hieroglyphics and loosely translates to "Do Not Remove This Label Under Penalty Of The Gods."

Throne: $75

Air Obama: First Class Travel, Cocktails $5

Note to my two readers: My blog is not politcal. I don't endorse any candidate nor do I reveal how I vote. I do not try to encourage anyone to vote for anyone in particular. I just write this blog for fun, and many times, politics is just that. Now, having said that...

After last night's sweep of the Potomac primaries, there is little doubt that Senator Barack Obama has a newer, richer source of fuel for his impressive momentum. Aside from the vote count, which is pounding like a nasty hangover at the door of the Clinton campaign, there were other numbers that came with the Obama victory that are worth sifting through.

60 is the first number. That's the percent of women that cast their votes for Senator Obama in both Virinia and Maryland, according to exit polls in both states. I'm not so good at math, but even I can calculate that 60% is a majority, and not a squeaker majority either. And this 60 is a number that has grown since the last group of primaries that the one term Senator from Illinois won. In the coming primaries, expect to see that number grow again because momentum fuels momentum.

>66 is the next number (I think I still remember that the 'greater than' sign points that way). That number, according to the same exit polls, is the percentage of men that put their support behind Senator Obama. Big, impressive, and in the category of Super Majority.

And finally, the number 6. That's the percentage that Obama beat Clinton by among Latino voters. Not long ago, Latino voters heavily favored Senator Clinton. Things are changing every day.

So, Air Obama has reached a new altitude, with a speed that no one expected. And it is neither a cruising speed nor a cruising altitude, because momentum pitches and propels.

However, while keeping an eye on the radar screen as the super-sonic Senator criss-crosses the country picking up cheering passengers on his way to the White House, keep in mind that his message of 'change' will come with a tab. His promises and programs must be bought by a majority of the house and senate, and must be funded by the people. That is a part of the mechanics of government that is immune to change.

For now, sit back and enjoy this historical ride. Just remember, when the flight attendant delivers your martini, it's a good idea to have the right change.

BlackBerry Breakdown Brings The Blues

Around 3pm yesterday afternoon, perhaps AT&T or RIM suffered an undisclosed melt-down in their nationwide wireless system leaving BlackBerry owners across the U.S. without service.

“I was in the middle of a pointless conversation with one of my faceless, empty-headed friends when my BlackBerry just died,” said Wendy Fortzgraff, a regular commuter on the R5 train in Philadelphia. “I mean, every day I spend my entire commute into and out of the city babbling senselessly into my BlackBerry and annoying everyone within earshot, and now look," she said, holding up her pink BlackBerry for all to see. "This just isn’t fair and I’m going to make sure AT&T credits me some extra minutes on my plan for the inconvenience. And they better get this problem fixed before “Bruno v. Carrie Ann” comes on tonight because I’ve got five votes in this thing for Carrie Ann,” she added, pointing to her lifeless BlackBerry and fighting back tears.

For their part, AT&T and RIM went to work on the problem immediately.

Spokesperson Brad Leverett said, “We called in our Priority Fix guys, the ones with the really nice uniforms and those blue hats that say ‘Priority’ on the front. We put them to work on the biggest computer in the building because it‘s, well, it’s the biggest and probably has the most wires in it. If we have to go all night we will, because Priority Fix means 24/7 service with only a couple of coffee breaks here and there.”

In other parts of the country hundreds of thousands of wireless customers were also left incommunicado.

Steven Phelps-Hadley of Cincinnati, Ohio was on his BlackBerry with his wife Colby when they were disconnected. “It was awful," he said. "I was doing my thirty minutes on the elliptical in the basement and talking to Colby who was upstairs watching Oprah. Next thing I knew there was just nothing. At that moment, I really wasn’t sure what to do. I could hear Colby crying upstairs. I felt helpless. I just laid down on the floor.”

In large and small cities alike, business screeched to a halt as managers couldn’t reach their sales guys and clients were set adrift without a way to reach their vendors and complain like Prima Donnas.

“I was on the phone with my boss listening to his one of his usual BS lectures and just like that the bastard was gone,” said Aaron Neetz of Seattle, Washington. “It was pretty great.”

Apparently He's Black Enough But...

Democratic voters are turning out in record numbers across the country to answer the question posed by some in their party earlier in this election cycle: Is Barack Obama black enough?

With almost 9,000,000 votes posted in the win column for the charismatic Senator from Illinois, it is safe to project at this point in the race that he is, in fact, black enough. Reached by telephone this morning at his campaign headquarters the Senator said, "I noticed this morning while I was shaving that I am still black and still white. And also that sometimes when you shave you can make some really neat shaving cream sculptures with the razor."

Since his Iowa upset over Senator Hillary Clinton, (a candidate most people are pretty certain is not black enough), a wave of enthusiasm for the one term Illinois Senator has swept states in the Democratic primaries from coast to coast.

But in a weekend poll conducted by the research firm “Two Guys and A Speakerphone,” the numbers indicate that while he is clearly considered black enough, many now disagree on whether he is Irish enough, Jewish enough, Polish enough, Mexican enough, or Italian enough.

In Seattle, first-time voter Norman Fischbaum said, “Black enough? Who cares? I think being President is probably something like one of those 40 hour-a-week jobs. I’m just wondering if he’s caffeinated enough.”

Across the country in the nearly all white state of Maine, Sunday’s primary supplied even more momentum to the Obama campaign as voters handed him yet another victory over Senator Clinton. When ask if he felt Obama would ultimately take the nomination, Bar Harbor lobsterman Marty Norton replied “Why not, he seems like a nice man."

1960's Mid Century Semi-Circular Sofa

Designed to capture the understated elegance of the

Era of Swank.

That would be Swanky as in Dean Martin, not Sinatra or even Ernest Borgnine. Dean was the cool one and he had talent. This guy could sip a scotch, smoke a cigarette, croon Italian love songs, and seduce the women in the audience all at once. By the way, I had an aunt that looked like Ernest Borgnine.

Anyway, it's a fine sofa. It's large, I'd say about ten feet across, it's aqua-like, and it's semi-circular. Although it is designed in the 1960's Mid Century style, it was built new just about 18 months ago.

I am selling it because my wife told me that I was not as cool as Dean and to stop singing love songs with made up Italian words. Actually she said, "You're butchering their language and take off that turtle neck, dinner's almost ready."

So, I've ordered a two-tone Day-Glo plaid sofa and a steel guitar. I hope she likes Hank Williams.

Smirking Devils: Hand Carved by Fidel Castro

I've really got to get these out of my house. The other day while taking pictures for a CL post, I accidentally separated the pair and the leather chair in my den burst into flames. It’s not that I'm superstitious or troubled by the occult (as long as the devil makes his occasional earthly appearances at somebody else's apartment) it's just that lately things have gotten a little strange around here. Since I brought these home, my cat has gone from sleeping all day in the big wooden bowl on the dining table to walking backwards through the house and doing Sam Kinnison bits.

I don't want to scare you either. I mean, I came by them innocently enough. I stopped over at my parents house the other day to read them an article about the benefits of bequeathing an inheritance while still alive and fit enough to do the actual bequeathing, when my father interrupted and said, "Here, take these Smirking Devil book ends. I found them in one of your mother's shoeboxes with a bunch of love letters from Fidel Castro."

Anyway, each Smirking Devil is carved from a single piece of Sumatran Teak wood. They stand between 8 and 12 inches tall, depending on the phase of the moon when you measure them. Without Dr. Jones' (Sr.) secret decoder book, I really can't decipher all of the symbolism except to say that the face is a cross between Mick Jagger and Rosie O'Donnell, and both stomachs resemble an insect's underbelly, though not the same insect. They do have mysterious smirks and are holding the backs of their heads as if to say that too much book learning leads to baldness, which was the primary plank of Castro's early Marxist philosophy.

To try and learn more about these strange book ends, I did take the pair to University of Pennsylvania professor L. Thomas Boydon, a specialist in the study of obscure occult antiquities, but his secretary asked me to leave after I set them on his desk and he turned into a miniature horse.

These would make a great gift for the man in your life, especially if you recently found out that he was cheating on you. Or just mail them anonymously to your boss or favorite member of the clergy.

Both are in excellent condition with the exception of a chip out of the top part of one of the devil’s horns. That little piece could be fabricated locally or, if Castro is still reading his mail, you could order a replacement horn. $75

Noah's Chair. Yes, that Noah.

My grandfather used to say, “A blind squirrel gets an acorn once in a while.” And then he would hit me with the brass menorah he carried in the holster sewn onto his pajamas. I never really knew what he meant, but I did finally learn that whenever the old man started to impart the wisdom of the ages, it was a good idea to listen from under the sofa.

The other day, after a failed attempt to obtain gainful employment by moving my personal things into the office of a vacationing CEO, I posted bail and decided to improve my cash flow by taking my Lost In Space lunchbox collection out to the Adamstown Flea Market in Lancaster County. After three hours without a sale, I strolled over to a booth where an older bearded man was brewing a pot of coffee over an open fire and casually asked him if he thought things were a little slow.

“Flea Market’s closed ‘til April,” he said. “Me and Siesta here are year-round security,” he added, pointing to a teacup sized Yorkie who was passed out inside a teacup at the old man‘s feet. “But if you want to do a little horse trading, I’ll take every one of them Dr. Smith boxes out of that collection you got over there. Don’t have any cash, but I’ll give you this old chair that I dug out of the side of a mountain up in Shamokin.”

Hoping to prevent a total loss for the day, I agreed to the trade and said good-bye, promising to return in April to collect the full refund on my rental booth.

Upon returning to Philadelphia, I carefully positioned my new chair in front of the fire barrel and began the family tradition of rifling through the cushions for loose change, but instead put my hand through the fabric and pulled a large, acorn-shaped wooden vessel from inside the springs. Suddenly I could hear my grandfather’s voice and I dove for cover in the rusty scrap pile that I was hoarding until the precious metals market rebounded.

Burrowed safely inside my razor sharp thicket, I proceeded to open the acorn, but had trouble getting my lower jaw around the top. Finally resorting to simply smashing it, I was astonished to find a yellowed parchment scroll and three pieces of petrified Pez candy. I unrolled the parchment and began reading an ancient Hebrew text that had been translated into modern English, although mysteriously, it still read from right to left. The following is the exact transcription of the text minus the annoying emoticons inserted by the irreverent scribes of the day:

Dear Lord:
I am in receipt of your instructions to sell my earthly belongings and build a huge boat out here in the middle of the desert. While none of this makes any sense to me, I of course will comply because I know that if I don’t You could arrange for any number of troubles to fall upon my tent, including another three month visit by my in-laws. I will get to work on the boat as soon as the playoffs are over.
Your Servant,
Noah
P.S. Thanks for including the specs, but I didn’t see anything in the schematics that looked like central air conditioning. Just curious.

Noah:
I’ve put up with human shenanigans long enough. Stop procrastinating and get to work on the boat or I’ll find someone else to do it and you’ll end up as a fossilized stain on the side of a lonely mountain.
God

Dear Lord:
Since You put it that way, I am ordering two dozen power saws and a caravan of donuts and coffee for the carpenters. I’ll attach the receipt to the dove’s other leg.
Your Servant,
Noah
P.S. My guess is that we’ll be ready to launch the boat on Thursday. Please send an available socialite with a nice magnum of champagne.

Noah:
I’ve got to give it to you, from up here the holy vessel is looking pretty good. Did you remember to put the lion stalls and the lamb stalls at opposite ends of the boat?
God

Dear Lord:
Since Your last letter I’ve had Jacob working around the clock on a retro fit of the two stalls that You mentioned. We’re still shooting for Thursday, but if we run over by a couple of days would You refrain from boiling the sand beneath our feet?
Your Servant,
Noah
P.S. I know that You have Your hands full planning the total destruction of the earth, but when You have a minute will You mention to Your messenger dove to stop trying to collect a delivery fee?

Noah:
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, any of those days are fine for the completion of the boat. Just make sure that you’re finished and loaded before the big day which is… actually it’s this coming Sunday. Boy time flies. By the way, I’ve noticed that you have commissioned a nice looking over-stuffed chair to be made for yourself. What gives?
God

Dear Lord:
I add one luxury to the boat and You become suspicious. Am I not otherwise doing Thy will? Can I not have just one comfortable chair on board for those long rainy days at sea?
Your Servant,
Noah

Noah:
Okay, I’ll give in on the comfortable chair, but if I see one more cask of whisky get loaded onto that boat, I’m coming down there.
God

Dear Lord:
Oops, you got me. But think about it for a minute. I’ve been chosen to be Captain of a boat that has no real port of call and, to say the least, a rather bizarre manifest. You try drifting aimlessly at sea for months in a floating zoo and see if You don’t run screaming to the nearest Happy Hour. And by the way, that’s not just run-of-the-mill heathen swill in those casks. It happens to be only the finest aged brandy from Charente.
Your Servant,
Noah

Noah:
Charente? Isn’t the Cognac region in Charente? Listen Noah, I’ve got an idea: The next time My messenger dove arrives at your doorstep, why don’t you attach one of those miniature casks to his good leg and tell him if he flies non-stop back to My place there’s a twenty in it for him.
God

And so, my grandfather was right. I got the acorn that held the proof that this really is the Captain’s Chair from Noah’s Ark. It’s in surprisingly good condition (considering that it’s literally from the old world), although I will admit that I enhanced the gopher wood finish with Formby’s Restor-A-Finish, which is available at your local hardware store for $8.99 and is a thoughtful gift for the wood worker in your family.

Price for Noah's Chair: $75

The Impeccable Resume of Michael Todd

Objective: To obtain a really good position at a really good company; one that has nice leather chairs and really good wooden desks.

Mobile Adult DVD Rentals - CEO 12/07- 01/08
Duties included driving a converted milk truck through high roller neighborhoods and renting adult films. Implemented innovative marketing system to reach homeowners by hooking two air raid speakers to the roof of my truck and playing the movie dialogue tracks at 110 decibels. Increased revenue upwards of 4% by adding popcorn and liquorices. Sold it to a veteran who painted it camouflage and only rents Vietnam War movies.

Sure Bet Inc. - CEO 09/07 - 11/07
Regularly borrowed money from friends and family members then took the train to Atlantic City to play roulette. Duties included dressing in a white dinner jacket and talking like Humphrey Bogart. Developed an innovative variation on the ‘let it ride’ system that would fast-track the action and leave me staring blankly at the table usually within minutes of arriving. Finally dissolved the business after my cousin Larry told me that in most cases gaming pays the casino more than player.

Inventor - CEO 04/06 - 07/07
Invented quite a few products, most notably the Trouser Stretcher and a device that makes you invisible while driving through New Jersey. Government agents posing as venture partner guys took the New Jersey thing from me but they did stop to stretch their trousers on the way out. Tried to patent my products but discovered that the U.S. Patent Office and my personal patent attorney actually wanted to be paid for the patent work, so I ended up trading the products for two cases of glow-in-the-dark rock concert necklaces.

August 2004 - March -2006
I really don’t remember.


Caribbean Beach Front “CHEAP!” - CEO 02/03 - 07/04
Amassed a small fortune by advertising Caribbean beach front homes for sale in the $50,000 range. I didn’t own the homes per se, and I think many of my buyers became a little irritated when the actual owners showed up for vacation. After parole, I invested my fortune in a Flying Car venture that two I guys I met at the Delaware Downs said they were working on in their basement.

Hat Blocker - CEO 01/01 - 10/02
After seeing quite a few of those old movies where all the guys were wearing hats, I was inspired to start a hat blocking operation. Finding a broccoli steamer at a garage sale, I converted it to the more practical use of blocking hats and went door-to-door prospecting for business, pulling the steamer (and a 40 gallon barrel of water) in a wagon behind me. After several months without a sale I consulted a fortune teller for a prediction on the future of the hat blocking market, but instead she hit me with a ruler and called me a “schmoitz.” I then retro fitted my steam system and changed my business model to removing pet stains from sofas.

December 2000 and Back To 1987
Call me because it’ll be a whole lot easier.

Education
Reading mostly. I like anything about UFO’s and I just finished “101 Uses For A Lasso.”
I can do some math without a calculator and have the uncanny ability to predict when somebody is about to behave like Lucille Ball. Also, pretty good on the Internets.


Hobbies

Calling strangers and pretending to be Louis Armstrong
Hunting Bigfoot
Rubbing up against people on the bus